A Friendly Note to the Cars that Tail Me

One of the joys and wonders of Southern California is the excess amounts of asphalt that are slathered all over the desert floor, chock full of giant steel reinforced jalopies driven by nannies, soccer moms, ‘working’ stiffs, teenagers (a car for every one!), and all other sorts of uncoordinated fools. Having to drive absolutely everywhere I need to go on mile-wide streets is one of those small delights that I’d slightly forgotten about while living in a smaller northern Californian town. So herein follows a little diatribe written from the build-up of this past week of being re-introduced to this great car ensloshed culture:

Alright listen, assholes. When ya drive right up in your oversized SUV and start riding my ass, I am NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY START SPEEDING EXCESSIVELY. First and foremost, because I am already going over the speed limit. Secondly, because I am just following whatever the cars in front of me are doing; I can’t go any faster if there’s a line of cars ahead. But most importantly: because you are PISSING ME OFF. And so I am going to do everything in my limited power, as the object in your moronic path, to piss you off. This will include: 1) driving more slowly; 2) staring directly at you as I drive slowly in my rear- and side-view mirrors; 3) mouthing “fuck you douchebag” to you in my rear- and side-view mirrors as I drive slowly staring at you; and 4) flipping you off as you finally pass by when I either turn off onto another road or it changes to two lanes.

Look, I will ride someone’s ass if they are driving ridiculously slow myself. And if that doesn’t wake them up to the fact that other people have somewhere to go, then I will use my horn. Yes, that’s what those things are for. But if they are going at a reasonable speed, even if it might not conform to my ideal race-car driver speeds, I am not going to ride their ass. Firstly, because it’s fucking stupid, because if they have to slam on the brakes cuz some dog ran into the road or they misapplied their mascara into their eyeball or something, then I’m screwed. Secondly, because it’s just fucking rude. You don’t rub your dick against people’s asses while you are waiting behind them in line, do you? Well, then learn the concept of personal space and apply that complex thought to the area around the immediate vicinity of your spotless little luxury vehicle then, genius.

I just really don’t get it. Either people watch too much NASCAR and think that they are cutting down on their fuel consumption by drafting your ass, or they just suddenly become giant fucking rude assholes the minute they step behind the wheel of their supersized station wagons and pick-ups. And the stupidity of these giant sized cars is whole other rant that I’d like to delve into, if I may, while I’m in the mood for belittling idiots and their stupid cars. Just what purpose is served by driving a pick-up the size of a swimming pool? What is it that these people are trucking around in these things? Is it just egos that require all of this extra room?

Anyway, if you happen to be the kind of person who just mindlessly and automatically begins tailing whosoever is unfortunate enough to be in front of you when you are driving, please, try to alter your behavior. It’s bad enough that getting a driver’s license is easier than beating the first level of Mario Brothers on the old Nintendo. At least people could just demonstrate a little human decency in their cars, even if they can’t drive a gigantic motorized vehicle worth a lick. (I’m privy to the idea that during the driver’s test, all drivers should be forced to demonstrate a working knowledge of the exact dimensions of their vehicle. There would definitely be a lot less people on the road. And hence, a lot less carbon emissions. Reducing carbon emissions and reducing idiots on the road: two birds with one stone!) Getting into a car does not void suddenly all politeness and other normally unstated (because commonsense) laws of human decency. Show a little respect for the other people trying to get to where they are trying to get to. If we all drove with a little more respect for each other, why, maybe traffic might even flow better because then people wouldn’t be trying to cut other people off, and they wouldn’t be tailing too close, and no one would have to keep slamming on their brakes! Yeah, right. I’ll keep dreaming. And I’ll very happily leave all of the driving to you Californians and go seek out a living somewhere where there’s less asphalt.

Author: manderson

I live in NYC.

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