Libraries are amazing things. They are governmentally established institutions that provide free information to all citizens! They are essentially Communist organizations! Does nobody realize this? Apparently, libraries somehow got overlooked by congressional committees, in all their wisdom, during the Red Scare. Considering that such substances as narcotics and hallucinogens have been rendered illegal due to their potentially mind-altering capabilities, it is surprising that libraries—with their similar potentiality for altering people’s lives and rendering them capable of greater self-suffiency and intellectual mobility—have not been similarly addressed by our Patriot Act writing deacons over in D.C. Do they not realize what a threat libraries constitute to our pseudo-Democracy? Why, people might start researching things on their own instead of relying on newspapers and the nightly news! Imagine the consequences if poor people nationwide began educating themselves and starting their own businesses! Imagine if people began entertaining themselves with free books and their imaginations instead of Hollywood manufactured glitz and serial TV dramas! Libraries could pose a very serious threat to the American economy, indeed. I think it’s about time that we addressed this critical issue and began dismantling these commie outposts in our local communities. Forget book burning—let’s library burn!