For this

Because no one else has gotten this close. Because no one else has loved you in all of your glorious imperfection. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to be something that nobody could ever be.

Loving this woman, day by day, is loving yourself. Is loving your quirkiness, your spontaneity, your little inner parts that you are accustomed to hiding.

No one person, including yourself, could ever know everything about you. It is unimportant, really, to know yourself completely. What is important is that at any given moment, you are projecting what you feel. Feelings shift like the sand dunes in a storm. Even glaciers are melting beyond millions of years of definition. So this cinema of you, this panoramic view of your inner self, these snapshot photos of personality are necessarily vague and indeterminate. Necessarily, you squabble with her, you shout at her, she hits at you. You make up, and you re-connect at some essential level. It is this potential for long-lasting harmonizing beyond momentary partisanship that constitutes love.

I don’t ever want to stop squabbling with her. Our playful wrestling often ends in tears. Our uncertain future creates stress, sleeplessness, and so forth. But the re-uniting. The reconciliation. The reinforcement of all that is truly meaningful between us is worth everything. It is worth the years of loneliness before I met her. It is worth the suffering of uncertainty that every day brings. It is worth myself, and my fears, and my ego, and for this, I gladly sacrifice.


Author: manderson

I live in NYC.

20 thoughts on “For this”

  1. Yeah, I loved the squabbling ;) It was fun at first, it stoked some fiery passion, but then… Unfortunately, I think neither of us were very good at doing it in the way that loving people should be doing it. Arguing, that is ;)

    Compassionate communication, that’s what it takes across the board, but especially in “squabbling.” It’ll make ya’ or break ya’. I’m good at arguing, him too — neither of us are good at backing down. It became competitive. That should never be between lovers. Everything shuts down, no communication…or no honest communication. Ya’ start holding back to keep the peace… One thing’s for certain, if one of the partners is always the “winner,” the other person is dying inside…as is the relationship. “Arguing” in a loving way, yeah, that’s essential for a successful relationship.

  2. Beautifully scribed. Kudos. This is my first time to your blog.

    I’ll be back.

    I’m going through an interesting time too and decided to look through wordpress tags…namely love. It’s beautifully painful emotion, isn’t it?

    But you do it justice with your words.


  3. It is worth the years of loneliness before I met her. It is worth the suffering of uncertainty that every day brings. It is worth myself, and my fears, and my ego, and for this, I gladly sacrifice.

    You know, I’m a cynic and I don’t know if I believe that love (the one that’s true and pure) can work in this day and age. But after reading this blog, I want to believe in love again. :)

  4. All those lonely years searching…I hear you on that one. It breaks your spirit. You lose sight of what makes life worth living. But to find that girl who can understand you – its so healing. If they can fight with you, and you have the communication necessary to overcome it, and the patience to allow the tension…thats such a beautiful thing. Great post!

  5. Have you ever read Their Eyes Were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston? In that book, she talks about this tempestuous relationship between the characters Janie and Teacake, and they even physically hurt each other. But what is beautiful about their relationship is that they express, immediately, what they feel, and get it out, and never hold it back.
    My girlfriend and I don’t fight that much, nor at a very physical level, but that book opened my mind to the awareness that bickering can actually be a healthy thing between lovers, to a certain degree. And I can now attest to that truth.

  6. there is lots of people having same situation but they live without any hopes i am also living like this but after reading this i feel somebody is there to support me,somebody is beside me.ya truely saying it is awesome

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