There is nothing I hate more in this world than when someone is overly full of themselves. Especially when it’s me. I’ve always hated braggadocio and flossing. I immediately dislike anyone who feels the need to continuously attract attention to themselves. I try to knock myself down as often as I can, if I feel I’m starting to get too big for my britches. I sometimes feel that my writing or my thoughts can get out of hand if I’m not careful. I try to read myself over again, to make sure that I’m not sounding like some hoitie-toitie nincompoop.
One thing that I always try to keep in mind is that everyone has their own beauty and context and manner of deep expression. Some people might seem as dumb as a rock, but they can dance like divinity. Others are socially inept, but they can craft amazing spontaneous feats of origami. Some people lament their inability to do anything artistic, but they have social presence to die for. Some people express themselves with their bodies, some with their minds, some with their hearts, some with their eyes. The fun thing, to me, is in learning to express yourself deeply through as many avenues as you can. We conventionally term “genius” anyone who is so specifically adapted to one avenue of expression that they have taken it as far as anyone else has gone. But I think that the word genius can also apply to people who apply themselves through so many means as to perhaps not be world renowned at any, but capable in all.
Anyway, to return to my point, if I had any in the first place. I guess this is a venting post. I just really don’t like it if I ever start to get too big of a head. Because this leads only to greater insecurity, in the end. Because you can’t always be on top of your game. You can’t always win. At some point, a little pin will find its way into your bubble, and everything blows up, leaving you with one big empty hole. The best thing to do is to be so secure in yourself that you don’t have to toot your own horn, ever. You don’t even have to let anyone else toot your horn, either. The horn does not need to be tooted. As long as you are secure in yourself, then you can just do what you do best, without doing it for recognition, or for a cookie, or to be patted on the head. You do it because the joy it brings (I just realized that that is almost an Ani Difranco lyric.) You do it because this is how you express yourself. You do it because this is how you connect to others. And that is the most important thing, always. The connection. The connection which is greater than the two disparate things that were. You and me and this formation we are together.
Stop wanting anything other than for this connection (I tell meself). Do it only for this. Not for money. Not for fame. Not for self. Not for world. Ever. All these other things only distract us from each other, and form fissures between us. As if we could be so conceited as to think that we are wholly divergent beings, sitting alone in our amniotic fluids. We do it for each other. To create the world. To create the currency of what can be. To know ourselves in each other.