Patriot Bidet Brigade


I’ve got absolute insomnia tonight, and no idea why. I just can’t sleep a wink. It’s perplexing because I should be utterly exhausted, yet I feel as if I’ve had a quart of caffeine. The good news is that because I was alert and awake in the middle of the dead of night, I’ve discovered that there are mice living underneath our sink, which I heard chewing away at some plastic containers waiting to be recycled.

Rather than spend the night either tossing and turning and growing increasingly frustrated at being unable to enter the gates of blissful oblivion, or surfing mindless pages on the web, I figured I might as well be constructive with my time and write a blog post. Lucky you!

My topic for tonight, or this early morning, is to be one of a decidedly impolite topic: dirty bums. If you are sensitive upon such issues, and find absolutely no humor in potty humor, than I suggest averting your eyes immediately and moving back to your Christian Science Monitor or asian porn pages.

Let me say this first and foremost: Americans are a disgusting and uncivilized people. It continually amazes me how we can pretend to be at the forefront of progress and freedom, etc—-and yet we all have dirty, smelly asses! There, I said it. I done let the cat out the bag: Americans don’t wipe their asses good enough.

Now, sure, our bathroom behavior may be more advanced than say in such foreign lands where it is said that you shake with your right and wipe with your left. But don’t kid yourselves, we are not much further advanced.

And what’s truly disgusting about the whole thing is that Americans are growing increasingly obese (not fat: OBESE. That means exceedingly fat.) and eat junk food and dairy and abnormal amounts of red meat on a regular basis. And we all know what kind of effect these foods have on our bowel movements: they are smelly, messy, and just an all around literal pain in the ass to clean up after (as someone who works in the housekeeping department, I can readily attest to some graphic examples of this).

And what does the American do to clean up after they have sawed some logs into the john? Well, they do the only thing they CAN do, which is pull off some weak little squares of scratchy tissue paper and wipe their beleaguered asses with it. Now, let me make a simple observation on this time honored outhouse tradition: essentially what is being done here is that you are just spreading stuff around with a piece of paper. This would be akin to washing your hands by taking napkins and wiping your hands with it, without wetting it or using soap. That would be gross, right? And we’re talking not just germs but hazardous waste here. This is coming out of your intestinal system, let me remind you.

In some more civilized nations, they not only wipe, but further use what is known as a bidet. It perplexes me that this simple hygienic device is so foreign to Americans. The fact is, you’ve got to get a little warm or hot water up in there to truly clean that shit out. And the only recourse a hygienically concerned person has to take in the absence of a bidet is to jump into the shower immediately afterwards. This is obviously impractical on most occasions.

I really think that there should be a national lobbying group of concerned citizens—called something like the Patriot Bidet Brigade—taking this issue to the forefront of the 2008 presidential elections. I could give a crap about the occupation of Iraq: I’m much more concerned about the fact that over 95% of Americans move their bowels at least once a day under unhygienic conditions. That should be national security issue number one, as far as I’m concerned.

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Author: manderson

I live in NYC.

4 thoughts on “Patriot Bidet Brigade”

  1. Americans are not only smelly and fat, they don’t take their nasty shoes off before they walk inside, tracking all the nasty grime from the sidewalks right onto the carpet where junior is playing. Oh they put their shoes up on upholstered furniture too. Foreigners must think we’re such barbarians.

    ps hi mark long time no see

  2. Amusing. I’m no closer to understanding why you enjoy shitting, just getting the picture that this is a pet-topic for you.

    We have a bidet – plumbed in by the previous owner during the eighties when they were all the rage here, along with apricot coloured walls. We changed the walls but the bidet remained. It’s uses in our household are varied but limited: 1. to provide a drink for the cat and 2. to bath dolls in, 3. nothing else.

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