This has to have been one of the grossest nights of my life. There has been an endemic of what is most likely some form of Noro-virus around my workplace these past 2 weeks, which means, in laymen’s terms, that there has been an extreme amount of vomiting. Being as I am the Housekeeping Manager, this means that I, on occasion, get the rare pleasure of cleaning up post-vomitus scenes and materials. Tonight’s was a real gem: this kid had barfed en route to the bathroom, and didn’t quite make it. He had subsequently chundered aqueous and solid chunky gastrointestinal material in basically every nook and cranny leading into and within the bathroom itself: carpet, door, tub, walls, toilet, sink, shower curtain, tile floor–everywhere. I was frankly rather amazed at not only how much spew there was, but also in the sheer expanse and coverage of said upchuck. It took me a good half hour to clean up the main spewage and corollary chunks, using a combination of baking soda, borax, Comet, Clorox Disinfecting Spray, and vacuum–meanwhile the whole time the mother was reading a maritime story to her sick boy in his bed. This cleaning occurred immediately after I had eaten a rather sizeable dinner myself, consisting of beans, rice, casserole, jalapeños, and a buttload of Valentina hot sauce.
This was not to be the end of the grossness. I was then cornered by one of my bosses, who informed me that since I had myself been one of the first to come down with the noro-virus (minus vomiting), that the health inspector who came that afternoon wanted to take stool samples of 10 people who had been infected. I was one of the chosen few. The aforementioned Mexican-style food I had eaten not so earlier was burbling quickly along through my intestinal tract, and so I gathered my stool sampling materials and hurried to the bathroom. I had to lay down some saran wrap over the mouth of the toilet and move my bowels onto it. Unfortunately, my poo at this time consisted of a series of volleys (extremely loud, like echoing gunshots rebounding off the tile walls) of largely yellow aqueous material, some of which managed to make it onto the thin strip of saran wrap. I then had to take a wooden stick, the kind that doctors push your tongue down with, and ladle this steaming shit into two very small and thin vials. This is not as easy as it sounds, especially when the consistency of one’s poo is that of a slurpee . I will end all details here; suffice to say that it was not quite the efficient and sanitary process that the instructions obviously wished it to be. Don’t worry, I disinfected surfaces when completed.
Man, it was, as I said, a gross night. I am pleased to have shared it with you.