Ah, yes, Mother’s Day. A day specifically demarcated by . . .whom? What organization generates such “days”? Is it some department of the Federal Government? A bench of regal gowned septuagenarians voting yay or nay for days demanded by rich and frenzied lobbyists?
Well, I was curious, so I just looked it up (god bless the internet). Holidays are “proclaimed” by the President or by an act of Congress (I really like saying “an act of Congress.” Go ahead, try saying it out loud. It sounds good). Now, I understand that it is a good and just thing to celebrate Mothers and the fact that they birthed us. Go Mothers. Maybe we should also have a Birthing Doctors Day, and subsequently a Midwives Day. And an Assisting Nurse for Birthing Day. A day, furthermore, to honor that Disgruntled Taxi Driver Who Drives Birthing Mothers To The Hospital. Fuck it. Let’s go out on a limb here. Let’s go ahead and have a Peoples Day, wherein we celebrate all peoples everywhere. We can buy cards and give them unto ourselves in recognition of our wonderful humanity, Hallmark constructed sentiments that say “Thank you for existing,” or something of the sort with roses or cute cartoons or pictures of naked old people on them.
Such “Days” give one a quiet unsettling of guilt that drives one to purchase things in order to fulfill one’s “duty.” Because if you miss telling your mom Happy Mother’s Day, than you are a horrible child indeed. This an obligation we are discussing here. It is a federally mandated task, this honoring of the mothers. Forget about all the rest of the year. You can treat your mother like shit. But this one day, you’d best buy her some See’s Candies, motherfucker.