always missing something. i was in peru and missing here and now i’m here and missing peru. i miss the excitement of discovery, the day to day challenge of finding out who i am. here, i am easily defined. i maintain as much mystery as i can, but i know myself too well. i limit myself to those places wherein i am comfortable.

there is much to explore here. there is much to experience anywhere, simply to live, to breathe, to move your body and know that it is yours and everyone’s.

i have a tattoo on my back to remind myself and other people that my body belongs to me and doesn’t belong to me.

but that setting out for the sea. when all the surplus is boxed up and put away for some uncertain future. and all that exists is the horizon, and i am ready for it, ready for all the ups and downs of movement forward, ready to be chiseled to starvation, ready to be loved into kingship, ready to do anything that it takes to find myself in a world of everpresent wonder and joy.

ready to suffer death to discover life. ready to put aside everything that has given me myself and accept that which has denied me.

burning for the future.


Author: manderson

I live in NYC.

2 thoughts on “missive”

  1. I typed something I was feeling into google search engine and I wound up here……………….I was deeply affected by your mourning writings……………..I had felt a deep depression a couple of years ago and didn’t know for about a year if I could go on…….I persevered and all has changed for the better………now I can see clearly how a suicide affects those you leave behind. You are right, I was angry, that is what depression is.


  2. Glad you found my page and also that you’ve fought your way through the tunnel. The problem it seems with depression is that often people don’t see that emotions are like a sine wave, and when you’re on the bottom you don’t think you can ever get out–but then the wave goes up eventually–and with time, the waves aren’t as big and overwhelming once you learn to ride with them–you will even get to a point where down is just as good as up.

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