Love Decisions


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On the road again.
Estoy en San Francisco ahora, a city which grows on me a little bit more each time I visit, because I always have a good time.
I did some jamming last night, and it was good to play drums again–after three months in Peru I wasn’t sure if I could still play. I can still play, all praise due to Allah.
Back in Tahoe a few days ago, late at night with the snow outside silently, fluffily falling, I was sitting up looking through my past writings. I do this from time to time when I get lonely or bored and feel like I have nothing to write about. In some ways writing for me is a preservance of memory, because I have a bad memory and will forget how and why I ended up where I am today.
And I was looking at emails that I received and sent from last winter. And I remembered why I had ever decided to go to Peru in the first place: it was because I had fallen in love with a Peruvian girl and I wanted to see her again after she had left the United States to return to her home.
I raised this topic to ponder an issue that we have all gone through at some point in our lives: that time when you ask yourself whether you are going to make a life decision based on your love for another person–whether you are going to move somewhere for them, or stay somewhere for them, or in any way alter the path of your own direction for this person. Is it right to alter your path for someone else?
At one point in my not so distant past I had made the statement to myself that I would never alter my life for another person again. This was after I had elected to stay in a place I didn’t really want to last winter for someone, and the relationship didn’t work out. I was left feeling depressed and hopeless and angry with myself that I had made that decision for someone who didn’t care for me.
But in the end, being where I was turned out to be a wonderful experience when I finally gathered myself back together and remembered where my balls were located. And I ended up meeting someone else who did care for me.
The question of whether or not to change your life for someone is obviously dependent on circumstance and a certain level of practicality.
In the end, I had elected not to pursue this Peruvian girl–I still went to Peru, but not until the end of that year. If I had wanted to pursue her I would have left immediately after she did. Well, I did want to, but the practical voice in my head informed me that if I did that I would only have enough money for the flight and less than a month there, and that when I returned to the states I wouldn’t have a job.
So when confronted with the option of pursuing her love, or staying in the states, getting a job, and saving up money for a later trip, I opted for practicality.
At the time, I told myself that I would still be able to see her later in the year. But of course the long distance phone thing fizzled quickly. And so the original reason why I decided to go to Peru was for a girl, yes–but the girl quickly receded from the picture.
It is interesting how decisions that we made for someone else can lead us into beautiful eventualities that are completely beyond the relationship that we were pursuing. The love we altered our direction for fades, but in its place we discover something new.

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Author: manderson

I live in NYC.

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