An Early New Year’s Sacrament

a new time–according to our inconsistent calendars–is coming, a new year, another age to be added to our accumulated life span. the years pass so fast now, it seems faster every year that i grow older, my memory can barely keep up with my birthdays–i have to think to remember how old i am–mostly because it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. time, what is time? i measure time more accurately by the ups and downs of my relationships with others, and the development of my self–how we grow, how we move on, how we hold on, how the light slips through the cracks into everyday everymoment communion, how love holds my mind high through the bullshit. some of yous i haven’t talked to or seen since buddha knows when. but i can feel you here with me as i stand on the precipice of my life looking down into the future, ready to witness a world i have never seen, ready to experience things i’ve never known, ready to fall to my ever eventual death without the fear of losing what i have never had. yes, another year, another calendar to be crossed off. i look back at this year, and all the years before them, and feel supremely grateful, and blessed. i think of all of the love i have felt and continue to feel. i think of the turmoil, and pain, that i have caused in others, and that i have caused in myself. and it’s inconceivable to me that i should be so blessed. how i try to tear myself down to mold myself into the suffering i think that i deserve, only to find rays of light coming through my heart, only to find my hands taken and gripped by the most beautiful people i could imagine–and how i have been raised to heights by you, by all of you, angels to my mind, bathed in sharp light, spiralling forward endlessly crying out in the name of that which we cannot possess–this joy, this sorrow, this communal know-edge–this is why i live. this is why i struggle to press my heart to words. this is why i send this now to you.
happy new year.

Author: manderson

I live in NYC.

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