Skyward


everyday the flood of feelings crashes over my view of the sky and i sink
down into the silence of blindness, frenziedly struggling to reach the air
in the deadened stillness of an empty vacuum, the emotions weighted down in
my body, my mind anchored to darkness, my heart fluttering for escape.
everyday i struggle to find moments where i can breathe, i struggle to find
calm, i struggle to let myself go and rise into the sky like a bird of
flame. and like unearthing a gem, sometimes i can reach a space where i do
not need anyone to make me happy, and i do not let anyone make me sad.
once you open the door to your heart, even for a moment, the flood will rise
and the levy will threaten to break, and all the bridges you’d spent so long
to build to the dry high sky will collapse, and you will be drowning in your
fantasies, and crying in the face of a reality in which you must start anew
with nothing.
you see, one day you might start thinking that you got something. and you
will begin to operate based off of this assumption. and suddenly, another
day, you wake up and the paradigm has shifted, and what you thought you had
has disappeared. and you are left clinging to the fragments of a past that
is no longer relevant.
i know this. i know this, and i know this. i know that i’ve never got
nothing. and yet, suddenly i’ll find myself falling in love with someone,
and even as i know that it is hopeless, i begin to grasp out, and i begin to
craft fantasies in which i do not fully believe, and when they break, my
heart breaks, and my emotions bury my face in the facts that i always knew.
it’s the same old song. and motherfucker, i’m tired of singing it. i’m
sick of hearing it’s pop culturally looped refrain in my mind. and i’m
ashamed of playing it for you.
it doesn’t matter what i have achieved in my life, of what heights or of
what lows i’ve been through. it’s doesn’t matter who has loved me, or who
has despised me. it doesn’t matter what i’ve written, and what i’ve left
unsaid. what matters is that i recognize that i am nothing, no matter what.
what matters is that i recognize that i am divine, no matter who. what
matters is that i recognize. what matters is that i change. what matters
is that i will build that bridge to get to heaven no matter what storms the
earth or my heart or your heart may arouse. i am going to find my way to
god. i will find my own way.
no matter how much i love you, i am going to find my own way. no matter how much you love me, i will find my way. no matter how much hate, how much fear, how much anger, how much hunger, how much how much how much, i will do it. i will reach it. i will
find my way without anything. i will find my way within everything.

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Author: manderson

I live in NYC.

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