i once thought of love as something eternal, as something you keep inside of you that never goes away. i once thought that i would always feel this way. it’s funny how time washes away your most cherished assumptions. it’s funny how you learn to forget, how you need to forget. layers, different sides revealed in the sliding change. what was beautiful fades into nothing. it almost seems ridiculous now, like a child playing games. like all dreams, the myth of love must die in the face of social reality. i sit at my table, drinking coffee, watching full grown men and women around me playing games with each other like children, asking each other to believe, to just believe. if you looked into my heart, you’d see the wind rustling through an empty room, the sun shining warm on the walls. whatever inhabits my heart grows there on its own. i give it space, and time. i’m not going to lock anybody up in there. sometimes people come and stay for a while, looking for shelter. then they leave again, looking for something more permanent. i let them go, singing and sighing, away into the world. i know what it feels like to wake up suddenly in a dark room out of a dream, to claw cold walls blindly, beating violently, the feeling of another’s blood on my hands. i know what it feels like to be locked up, monstrous. what is love? i sit at my table and sip my coffee. i watch the men and women around me playing games with each other, looking for someone to catch, looking to be caught. love is letting go. love is letting it all go.


Author: manderson

I live in NYC.

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